Celebrate Recovery State Representative
Norma Murphy
“We all have something we put between us and God. Celerbrate Recovery helps you identify areas you need to work on.”
I’m Norma Murphy and a believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with codependency, control, and anger. Some of you will relate to my testimony today because my childhood was NOT one of abuse or neglect. Quite the contrary… I had every advantage and few tragedies… I was raised in a loving Christian home with godly parents, few disadvantages and a lot of love. I was the oldest of 3 and quite typical of the oldest child. I see now how I must have irritated my little brother and sister because I was such a “mother”, a nurturer, but also all about pointing out every rule: whether it was reminding them to make a bed and clean their room or reprimanding my brother for drinking beer, I was often, not appreciated… I was a “fixer” and lovingly kept it up as we grew into adults. I really think I must have been codependent at birth!
So, why am I standing here with a CR testimony to share? Let me tell you how my codependency played out in my life and about some the pain I’ve experienced in my life…
Steve and I met just before I graduated from high school… dated for 2 years and then married. In the 36 years we have been married, we have had four daughters who have always made us proud, 4 awesome son in laws and 4 precious grandchildren (with a 5th on the way). We would tell you that our marriage has been a great marriage, strengthened by God’s power because we have learned to turn to God with our problems. Problems… Even in the best of homes, there are life struggles…. The first time I ever had to truly “give” something to God was at the age of 27 when I realized in the 7th month of our 3rd pregnancy that our baby would not live. I was shocked, totally crushed… I didn’t know the 12 steps but had a husband who reminded me immediately to depend on God, “one day at a time” and that was how we dealt with this first tragedy and immense pain in our lives. (My mind could take you back to the parking lot where we prayed that afternoon after we received that devastating news…) And, God was with us… In the early 80’s financial difficulties (& the real estate market) led us to near bankruptcy and losing our home before God intervened and we slowly began to recover financially, in His timing. And about 10 years ago we faced a bitter lawsuit, with the potential of losing all financial assets. Once again we relied on God, gave it to Him, and He was faithful! We won the lawsuit and truly gave God the glory! I tell you about these markers in our lives because they are truly spiritual markers in our lives: places where we had struggles out of our control, places where we met God.
So, why am I in recovery??? I went to Saddleback in August, 2001 just to check out this Christ centered ministry…And, as I learned about recovery, I was forced to admit first to myself, there was a part of my heart that was bitter, resentful and angry regarding our marriage. My secret, hidden deep in my heart… a part of our marriage that I had resigned myself to. I rationalized that I could live with these feelings, since everything else was so good… (I will never forget sitting at the table and crying as God touched my heart and called me to this ministry, called me to my recovery… And, not to help others in their recovery like I thought, but to get me in recovery!! Such a revelation that day!)
Back to our marriage…. Recovery teaches that insanity is “doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” This is exactly what we spent 32 years doing! Our differences in the way we communicate and conflict tripped us up and caused hurt and pain for us both. And, we have created habits over the years by continuing this insanity… We had been believers who were not accessing Christ’s power in this area of our lives. This is a tragedy… You see, the “elephant in the room” was anger…sometimes rage, deep-seeded selfishness and pride on both our parts. When we “went there” it wasn’t pretty… But, we looked “good” to the world and our church. And, I’m embarrassed to say that was very important to us!
In the beginning, I would have told you that it was Steve’s anger and control issues that are at the core of the problems in our marriage. You see, I’d spent the majority of our 32 years of marriage using Steve’s anger as the excuse and reason for my pain. It was easiest to point at him as the culprit, letting me off the hook. This is one of the first things for which I had made amends with Steve. I’ve read Matthew 7:3 many times, but missed its application for me, refusing to see myself! The scripture says, “Stop judging others, and you will not be judged. For others treat you as you treat them… And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” I now see how very critical I have been of the husband God gave me and how my judgmental attitude played right into Satan’s scheme for our marriage.
I explained earlier that I had become involved in this 12 step Christ centered recovery ministry in an effort to help someone very close to me. But the more information I received about Celebrate Recovery, the more aware I became that I needed to step out of denial and confess to these hidden hurts and chaos in my own life and marriage, realizing I am not in control & cannot correct this problem (step 1). But, as I worked the 12 steps, God began to show me my often hidden motives, my self-righteous attitude, my boundarylessness and then my own character flaws. This wasn’t easy. It wasn’t long before God began to reveal to me my own controlling, critical, perfectionist tendencies, which are the very things I deplore in others and had spent a lot of time resenting in Steve. It was at this time that I turned our marriage over to the power of God, listening for His voice, watching for His power in my life and wanting to please only Him.. I will be working on this the rest of my life…
As a child, teen, young mother and even today as a grandmother, I admit to spending a lot of energy making sure others are happy, often at my own expense and at the expense of my truly being honest, building resentment in other relationships, as well. I am a people pleaser and often find it difficult to say “no” to an opportunity, experience or request from someone I care about. I recall that as a child I got attention and found my identity just being the “good little girl.” I grew into the grandmother standing before you today with the same tendency to hide what hurts, to work harder and harder at pleasing people and caring for others, occasionally spinning out of control. I’ve learned through prayer, Celebrate Recovery and Boundaries, that my desire to please others has kept me from creating healthy relationships, and from expecting others to accept, hear and live with the “no’s” of my life. I’m learning to look only to God for that affirmation and direction in my life. I will be working on this the rest of my life…
The 12 steps of CR have been an awesome tool to help me take a good, hard, honest look at me and make some much-needed changes… Step 9 (making direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others) is the step that was most difficult, but also the one that touched and changed my heart! I remember the night I apologized from my heart for my arrogance in blaming Steve totally for the problems in our marriage and for carrying resentment and bitterness into our marriage. I believe now that my resentment and bitterness may have hurt our marriage more than Steve’s anger. I had been cruel and used curse words, anger (sometimes rage) to intentionally hurt him. Hardest of all was admitting to looking for perfection in our marriage… You see, I could be extremely critical of Steve and our marriage… Thankfully, God does not look for perfection in me to show me His grace and neither should I in our marriage…
We learn in recovery that in making amends we should not expect anything back! Any forgiveness is a gift from those we have hurt. So, since Steve was working the steps at the same time, he was at a place where he could and did freely forgive me for all the things for which I made amends. That experience of making amends began to change me and our marriage; was a turning point for us… And, God began to change me, giving me an awesome peace and joy about our marriage! Self-pity began to disappear and my selfish, negative thoughts were less frequent… God began erasing my past hurts and replacing them with the memories we create in the present. We experienced a new closeness, greater intimacy and a healing cleansing in our marriage.
I have always felt Steve’s love, devotion and valued his faithfulness. But, I know our working the 12 steps of CR has brought a tenderness I need! The change in me is a change of attitude with actions that spill over into my response to Steve and our marriage, really, a change of heart. The change in Steve is more obvious as I live life with a softer spoken, humbled husband who is turning his tendency to be angry over to God, and learning with me, how not to be controlling or bring unhealthy anger into our marriage.
I will work the steps again many times in my life, having found great value in working them and peace and serenity in the process! And, now I see many additional areas in my life that need to be turned over to God!
This has not been easy, but you must know that working the steps has been the best thing we have ever done for our marriage! If there is some resentment you have that hurts you, a habit you need to stop or a hurt that continues to gnaw at you, I would encourage you to join a step study. The rewards are incredible.
I have come to understand that pain is a part of life, but that I do have a choice regarding how I respond and the bitterness I harbor in my heart. I found a scripture in the book of Psalms that reflects my thoughts… Listen to Psalm 32: 3-5 as David expresses his heart to God: “There was a time when I wouldn’t admit what a sinner I was. But my dishonesty made me miserable and filled my days with frustration… My strength evaporated like water on a sunny day when I finally admitted all my sins to you, God, and stopped trying to hide them. I said to myself, ‘I will confess them to the Lord’ And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”
Thanks for letting me share!...
Norma is the state rep for the state of Oklahoma. Her passion is sharing this Christ centered ministry with others.Click here to learn “ How to Start Your CR!”
Phone: (918) 743-8897 ext.119
Email: 
celebrate@shbctulsa.org
